Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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