Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
