Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize