Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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