We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
