Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
