Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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