I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
