i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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