I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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