Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
