all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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