Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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