i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
