Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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