Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
