Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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