Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
