i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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