We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
