Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
