i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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