Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
