i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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