Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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