Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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