I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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