Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
