i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
