Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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