I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize