I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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