This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
