I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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