I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
