I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
