Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Randomize
