when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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