The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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