sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
