i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize