I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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