i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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