just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
