Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
