The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
