I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
