I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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