Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
