Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
