Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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