The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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