My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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