Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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