My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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