im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am one with the molecules
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
